Monday, November 03, 2008

Dear Diary,

[ My other BLOG exists in reality].
It is currently undergoing some routine maintenance, so I can’t really get in there right now, y’know?
But I got a peek. Let me tell you all about it.
Currently, there are several little green men with leaf-blowers tidying up,
Blowing Goethe’s Caramel Crème wrappers and cigarette butts into neat little piles while others apply some sort of egg wash to the whole shebang. The intent here is a nice sort of glossiness, understated, but still an attractive milky sheen.
We’re thinking what the hell? While we’re, you know, on the job and all, may as well give it a complete overhaul.
Our best typographical designers have been commissioned, and are presently working on a whole new font. It will taste like honey with hints of freeze-dried berries in the morning, and slowly grow more acidic as the day progresses, the top-notes eventually yielding entirely to a caustic and tinny bouquet around 11pm, at which point it will begin to glow in the dark and become illegibly vibratory- and slowly. Very, Slowly- totally tasteless.
It’s sure to be incredible, or at least note-worthy. It ought to be, as we’re pulling out all the stops and this of course is not cheap.
There will be no corners. We’re rounding off all the edges with a sort of fingernail clipper, a huge one. The rationale in this instance is safety. Note: already two of our best little green men have made official notices of bodily injury due to the overall pointiness of the BLOG. But thankfully, we have good lawyers, and besides have been inspired by these mishaps (though purely caused by negligence to safety and improper point-precaution on the individuals’ own behalf) to make the necessary changes. The result will be a more inviting, rotund, and completely non-hazardous environment.
Things will also be more pink, generally. [“pinker”, is the proper grammar, but sounds kind of shitty to say. “More pink” simply has a prettier ring to it. Much like our Plan for the BLOG, beauty over propriety]
But yes, pervading pinkness. Warmth.
We’ve also decided that things were on the whole too gloomy in there, after a lengthy deliberation we’ve decided the best solution is to do away with the Header entirely and replace it with a bay window. It will not overlook much, but the idea of “bay window” is appealing enough.
The BLOG will have stadium seating, for your convenience, you won’t miss a damned thing. The BLOG will periodically advertise this blog, and vice versa, why not?
There are also plans for a GADGET, it will generate isms and ologies and inspirational quotes from various people who are famous for thinking and saying them. There will be pictures of said famous people. From what I understand, many of them are bearded. Not satisfied? No problem, the gadget can be refreshed as many times as you need, til something suits your fancy. Try ‘em on for size.
It will be charitable somehow. It will take itself VERY seriously.
The BLOG will not put up with its own shit. However, housewives and cats will now be welcome.

4 comments:

Alison said...

Fucking amazing.

matthew said...

this is very douglas adams of you

abbo said...

no no no , totally DON B you little numbskull!

Keith Bush said...

oh no! derivative!
god damn it.

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It gets rid of your gambling debts, it quits smoking It's a friend, and it's a companion, And it's the only product you will ever need Follow these easy assembly instructions it never needs ironing Well it takes weights off hips, bust, thighs, chin, midriff, Gives you dandruff, and it finds you a job, it is a job And it strips the phone company free take ten for five exchange, And it gives you denture breath And you know it's a friend, and it's a companion